Today has been a difficult day and I have been debating if I should share this so openly but in regard to the recent devastating news about Caroline Flack it’s been all I can think of all day. I think we have all been truly saddened by the news and the fact that suicide can become an only resort in a persons mind.
I have struggled with mental health for a few years and a lot of the time it is crippling.
Anyone who has dealt with mental health knows that everyday is a battle, sometimes you feel like you have won that battle and then some other days you feel like you got through it by the skin of your teeth. You also become a master of plastering a smile on your face to show the world a hard exterior when ultimately you have broken.
There are also the darkest of days where your mind isn’t your own and as quick as anything you find your mind controlling you with thoughts of ‘just do it’ or ‘whats the point’?. That’s the moment you’ve truly been taken over and find yourself doing something you would never of thought of. I’ve had moments where my mind won and before I knew it I had stopped in oncoming traffic and I’ve had other moments where before I know it my mind has had me counting out tablets and the only thing that’s stopped that moment was someone knocking at my front door which snapped my mind out of that control. These are not things I am proud of but these where the darkest of days where those thoughts had won and anyone who has ever suffered from mental health or suicidal thoughts know how quickly they rationalise themselves in your head and ultimately win.
Currently I’m on medication and having therapy , still fighting that battle but I still have to take it day by day . I say a thankyou at the end of every day that I have managed another day
Mental health I want to say first and foremost is one of the most difficult lonely things to fight and the effects can be truly devastating. It drains you of everything, it can make you close yourself off from everything and everyone.
I also want to say that a lot of the times tools can be put in place to help but I also know from experience that sometimes these tools can’t even put up a fight with mental health. The strongest tool against mental health is kindness and openness.
I also want to say that if you know someone who has become closed off or shut off from people please reach out to them with kindness, you never know what a few kind words could mean to someone
on a final note please be kind to eachother you never know what battle someone is fighting behind what they are showing the world.
Confessions of a Suicidal Man 